SITCOMs – Singletons in their twenties or thirties clinging on to memories

November 14, 2012 6:23 pm

I saw an article in the newspaper recently about SITCOMs. No, this isn’t a reference to funny television programmes; rather it refers to Singletons In their Twenties or thirties Clinging On to Memories.

SITCOMs are people who can’t find the right partner because they miss their previous lovers.

This got me thinking about my status as a twenty-something singleton. I like to think I’m still single because I’m picky. I don’t have unrealistic expectations of what I want in a partner, but there are some characteristics that are non-negotiable. I am not willing to compromise on looks, personality or bank balance. A sense of humour is also important to me and I want someone who is kind but not too sensitive. Prospective girlfriends need to enjoy banter and no naggers please, as they get on my nerves.

Apart from those few characteristics, I am not fussy. I like to think I’m a decent catch (despite my mates telling me I have a face for radio). Some friends have kindly offered to tell me why I am single. Is it because I’m too fussy? Not according to them. Their reasons to explain my single status range from my apparent immaturity to the fact that apparently I’m incredibly lazy.

One friend said I’m single because I recently ran up and down my road in my boxers after losing a bet with one of my housemates. Apparently, men with girlfriends don’t do things like that.

I like to think I’m a 27 year old man but maybe I’m a 27 year old boy. Despite being able to cook, clean, iron and hula hoop (not sure if that last skill is entirely relevant but it just felt right), I still feel that I haven’t grown up yet. My best friend has just had his second baby. He’s also married, owns his own flat and has a stable job with good prospects, whereas I have no kids (as far as I know), I’m not married, I rent a house and I’m still looking for a satisfying career.

I’m not alone. There are many people like me, and we have been dubbed the ‘Peter Pan’ generation or adultescents, and it can go on until we are 40.

On the plus side, whilst some friends are worrying about what school to send their kids to, my biggest worry is whether to buy the new Pro Evo for my Playstation or to buy a new microwave.

As for having kids myself, I’ve always viewed babies like beer bellys – they’re great fun when your friends have them, but anyone who has one is always trying to get rid of it.

In other ways, I do feel like I’m starting to grow up. It now takes me longer to get over a hangover, all nighters on a school night are a no-no and, when it’s raining on a Saturday night, I just want to stay in. Whilst it’s socially acceptable to be part of a boring couple, being a boring singleton is not. It’s a slippery slope from being a dull singleton to a loner.

Women traditionally go for older guys, so as they grow older their chances of finding a suitable man decreases, whilst a man becomes more desirable as he ages, as more and more younger women desire him. At least, this is what I tell myself whenever I get rejected by the fairer sex. Only time will tell if this theory is correct.

Living in London has its benefits. The nightlife is awesome so there are plenty of places to meet fellow singletons. There are 7.7 million people living in London plus plenty of attractive tourists, so you have around 8 million people to choose from. However, half are men so that takes us to 4 million. I’m looking for someone in the 20-30 age group (about 10% of the population) which takes us to 400,000 available women. Half are in relationships, half are ugly and half are boring, which leaves us with just 50,000 people to play with. This figure is reduced after taking further considerations into account, namely the fact that some girls are out of my league, some girls are not my type, some are too posh and some are too common. Take away anyone I’ve already dated and the thousands who have rejected me, and in the space of a minute I’ve ruled out millions of people. According to my calculations thus far I am down to nineteen thousand girls. I call this the NAG theory (Nineteen thousand Available Girls).

There are certain clues that identify if you’ve been single for too long. If any items on the below checklist apply to you, seek a partner immediately:

You’re still sat at the kids table at family weddings, despite being thirty

The highlight of your last Saturday night was when you killed some monsters in World of Warcraft

You regret dumping your exes, even the ugly ones

You come out as gay to explain your lack of success with the ladies

You have an imaginary girlfriend to get your family off your back

You wear a wedding ring as you want to be one of those married men that women fancy

Your mates’ girlfriends want to set you up with their friends who are bubbly (i.e. fat), friendly (i.e. desperate) and girly (i.e. thick)

Everyone on the tube appears to have a boyfriend/girlfriend

Putting on your pants to get a pint of milk seems like too much of a chore

‘That time of the month’ has changed to the week leading up to pay day

A meal for two becomes a challenge rather than a chore

Rather than remembering anniversaries and birthdays you know the date the new Domino’s pizza comes out

The local Chinese takeaway know you only as ‘Menu A, set meal for one’

You still take your dirty washing home to your mum

You convince yourself stalking isn’t illegal, it just shows you care

 

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