Where’s Willy?

May 28, 2013 1:34 pm

Last month, The New York Times ran an interview with disgraced and disgruntled congressman Anthony Weiner and his wife Huma Abedin, in which they discuss married life and other boring things, and, of course, the infamous photo of Weiner’s wiener.

One breezy evening in May 2011, a picture of the congressman’s package made its way onto our Twitter homefeeds. Although cloaked in the soft caresses of his grey boxers, this wilful willy was undoubtedly Weiner’s. Overnight, the Pen*s Patrol came out in their forces, adopting Morellian methods in order to pin the pen*s on ‘perp’. But lo and behold, the good people of Twitter were thrown a red herring: ‘’My Facebook was hacked!’’ Exclaimed Weiner. A ridiculous excuse, not least because he flashed us on Twitter…

More moronic than the congressman’s cock and bull story, was his wife’s decision to stand by her Weiner, simply shrugging everything off as just rumours. But, you cry, how could she not recognise her hubby’s ‘meat n two veg’? Does she not play on the meat fiddle? Sing sweetly to the one eyed snake? Is she blind?

Anthony Weiner

Anthony Weiner

Willies come in all shapes and sizes. This is demonstrated by the varied lexicon with which we refer to the pen*s, itself taken from the Latin word for ‘tail’: the ‘General, ‘insert-name-here Jnr’, ‘John Thomas’, ‘Johnson’ – all refer to specific individuals, with implied descriptive codes. Then there are the consumptive metaphors, to imply a sense of size and/or nationality: Chipolata (never good), Chorizo (see you there), Saucisson, (yeah, ok). Described as ‘Chorizo’, the willy becomes aligned with notions of spiciness, Spain, heat, and, of course, Paprika. Furthermore, we have the ‘One Eyed snake’, and the ‘Meat n Two Veg’, he of the big shaft and he of the big balls, respectively. And finally, there is the Curious Case of the Chode in the Nighttime – as wide as it is thick, a remarkably rare specimen, not seen in the typical watering hole.

In the 1990s, the contention that willies are indeed unique was made the premise of an entire TV show: ‘Something for the Weekend’, originally a euphemistic reference to condoms used by barbers when offering them to their clientele – the connection between condoms and Barbers remaining, to this day, highly perplexing…

Putting the ‘lad’ in ‘ladette’, every Saturday night Essex gal Denise Van Outen would curate a pen*s parade – real ladette on tour material – in which women would be forced to identify their male partners purely on the basis of their dicks, erect or flaccid – however it wished to present itself on the night. Surprisingly, not all of the contestants could identify whose willy belonged to who. More surprising was the fact that Denise didn’t whip her own willy out(en).

While the contestants who correctly guessed their partners’ willies felt triumphant, those that aimed, quite literally, too big, felt the hot flushes of embarrassment – their partner’s shortcomings having been aired, albeit after the watershed, to the whole nation. Perhaps, then, the same may be said for poor old Abedin: Realising her husband’s sad little schlong would be revealed to the whole world, her denial of the wiener being Weiner’s was, ultimately, inevitable.

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