Where in the world is Edward Snowden?

July 12, 2013 6:37 pm


“Where is Edward Snowden?” That is the question on everybody’s mind. It is commonly believed he is in a small hotel room in the transit area of Sheremetyevo Airport in Moscow, very similar to the Tom Hanks film The Terminal, apart from the fact Snowden isn’t an Eastern European whose home country has broken out into a civil war and there is no Catherine Zeta-Jones. No one knows for sure that Edward Snowden is in Moscow, so there is a small possibility he is somewhere else. I have scouted a few possible locations of the bespectacled “traitor”.

South Americaecuador-village-life
We all know if you commit treason or are wanted for war crimes, then some LEDC in South America will likely take you in. We’ve seen it before with Julian Assange – the founder of WikiLeaks who is holed up in the Ecuadorian embassy in London – and it is believed by many that the monorchid dictator, Adolf Hitler, fled to live in the mountainous Bariloche region of Argentina with his fellow Nazi comrades – including Mengele and many other high-ranking Nazis – after the war. So it’s not completely absurd to assume Snowden is currently in a safehouse in a small village near Quito, sipping aguardientes and watching re-runs of La Marca del Deseo. However, getting out of Russia to South America would’ve probably been too difficult for the “weedy whistleblower”, as Fox News described him. So it’s more than likely he’s in some drab pod in a barren Russian airport hotel.

cave-dweller-modernTora Bora
America spent years searching for Osama bin Laden. They must’ve searched every cave in Afghanistan looking for the mastermind of the September 11 terrorist attacks and with no success. It is believed bin Laden spent many years living in the Tora Bora mountain range before deciding to move to Abbottabad where he was found by the CIA and killed. Snowden may have liked The Flintstones-inspired idea of Osama bin Laden and decided to copy it. Just remember to switch the “Location Services” on Twitter “off” before tweeting secrets, Ed.

If you thought Snowden hiding in Tora Bora was outlandish then think again! Despite the outrageousness of this being a possible hiding location for Snowden, the Russians have a great space program and in April it was announced it would receive a $52bn investment. Putin may have even got Richard Branson on side, enabling Snowden to live in a penthouse in the new Virgin space hotel which is being constructed. This would probably be the smartest move for Snowden because, although they like to think so, I highly doubt the United States have jurisdiction in outer space.

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