The 5 Most Useless Video Game Characters

November 20, 2012 1:52 pm

The 5 most useless video games characters:

Some video game characters are so bad, useless and annoying, that they just make you want to shoot them, sell your Xbox 360 and give up gaming altogether. Fortunately, the majority manage to help the balance of power. But, for every Master Chief in Halo, you get an array of displeasure from characters like these:

Philoctetes from Disney’s Action Game featuring Hercules

The Hercules action game features ten thrilling levels and some of the grizzliest baddies known in gaming circles, including a centaur with a ponytail. To reach these deadly foes however, Hercules must be coached up by trainer to the gods Philoctetes. The pot bellied satyr follows you around the early levels shouting useless motivational slogans and complaining even when you do something right. It would be nice to have a swing at Phil, voiced by Danny DeVito, with your sword, however, the limitations of the 2D platform meant that this particular desire is never realised.

Yevgeny Borisovitch Volgin from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

The third instalment of Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater is a painstakingly realistic first player stealth action game. The main protagonist is Snake, a super army soldier, proficient in the deadly art of close quarter combat. However, the illusion of realism is shattered when, after spending hours carefully directing Snake through various missions, you reach Volgin, a 6”8 Russian warlord whose body in inexplicably charged with an incredible ten millions volts.

Custer from Custer’s Revenge

In Custer’s Revenge you get the chance to avenge the Battle of Little Bighorn in a unique way. The aim of the game is to make your way across the screen past various obstacles to reach a bound Native American Woman and sexually pester her. The real life version of General George Armstrong Custer was a brave and adroit captain, however, his digital representation in the Mystique produced game is a seedy little pixelated man wearing a hat, gloves, cowboy boots and a large erection.

Padme Amidala from Star Wars the Phantom Menace

Padme Amidala, Princess of Theed, Queen of Naboo, senator of the Chommell Sector is a royal pain in the neck. Playing as the honourable Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars the Phantom Menace, your mission is to save the princess from her city, which is being destroyed by the Empire. However, the pompous princess is too arrogant to be grateful for your help and spends her time criticising your efforts. Unfortunately shooting her to death causes the game to end, meaning you have to reload and go through the whole level again.

Wario from Super Mario Smash Football

Mario Smash Football features one of the most disgusting characters in football. Not Robbie Savage, Wario, Mario’s evil counterpart. One of the aims of the game is to score a super strike, which is worth two points. A successful super strike with Wario sees the port nosed fatty blast the ball home with a smash of his grotesque belly, which is followed by a satisfied, rasping groan.

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