Obnoxious and Pointless; Not Jedward, Jargon!

February 27, 2013 12:55 pm

 jargonIt would appear that people simply adore making up new bizarre terms that baffle and bemuse anyone without the faintest understanding of what these said phrases could possibly mean. God, that’s such ‘low hanging fruit’ isn’t it? In my opinion, Jargon is simply the grown-ups version of the children’s playground toy analogy.  On the playground, the shinier your toy, the cooler you seem to your nose picking, tattle-tailing peers. In the office, the more confusing and hysterically ludicrous language you can think up, the cooler you seem to your nose picking, tattle-tailing colleagues. Who in their right mind decided terms such as ‘Al Desco’ could possibly hold enough credibility to describe eating lunch at ones desk? You’d assume some geek, hidden away in a numb-bitingly cold Alaskan forest, stuck inside a hand-built fort with only a dial-up connection and a chicken salad sandwich might. If he was feeling exceptionally lonely. But no, the term is sweeping through offices all over Britain, infecting our work-places and making a ‘Acluistic’ person such as myself completely frustrated with the trash these delusional people come up with. In case you were wondering… Acluistic: a term given to hopeless non-Jargon speaking morons such as myself ( and I like it that way; speaking plain English makes life much more sensible).

And it’s definitely not just me who detests the weapon of Jargon, with its pointless exclusivist policies and deviant words. A study conducted by the recruitment firm Office Angels found 1 in 5; yes, one in every five colleagues finds themselves completely baffled by jargon. So next time you’re sitting in a meeting, check out the flustered looking person that seems suspiciously quiet and/or is furiously scribbling notes down whenever you jargonators pipe up with yet another sophisticated and suave term to describe yet another pointless action. Chances are, they’re the one in five that remains frustratingly left out in the cold by you and your ‘Anecgloates.’

It was only recently that I realised my intense disgust of this sweeping trend that offices everywhere are adopting. Having my usual cup of morning java, I happened to overhear the conversation of two jargon-speaking slick city lawyers, in the middle of grabbing their mocha-frappa-cappa-chinos. It was bearable until one asked the other to ‘get into bed’ with her and ‘take it offline’ to see to if they had a ‘strategic fit’ whilst ‘prairie dogging’.  Result? My coffee ended up decorating some poor women’s suit, having been spat out in sheer disbelief. I’m surprised at how I was the only one to do so, as everyone else surrounding me seemed to find the absurd conversation normal. Their espressos remained safely intact within the confides of their mouths; although looking back,  chances are they were merely pretending to understand. Jargon has become obsessive, irritating, and down right silly. When the day comes and you find yourself ‘blame-storming’ when a team project goes wrong, it will be a very sad day indeed. Especially if you’re the one to suggest it, traitor.

First with the offices, what’s next in store? Unhappy couples everywhere will find themselves asking each other for a ‘swipeout’ rather than that old, traditional divorce. Forget referring to the obesity epidemic; we will find ourselves referring to the ‘mouse potato’ condition when discussing overweight issues.

jargonPerhaps this tongue-twisting jargon obsession is yet another result of modern day Britain’s fascination with appearance. First, there was the size-zero trend with parading skeletal models in dire need of a Big Mac.  Then, celebrity culture followed and people everywhere found themselves gasping in horror at the Cheryl Cole’s and Posh Spices’s of the world- and now, we have found have found our own way of feeling important and superior to everyone else; and we call it Jargon. Surprisingly however, using meaningless gibberish doesn’t do you any favours in the long run, as Warshawsky found jargon not only failed to make jargonators sound smart, but also made them less likeable. No one wants to make business deals with a moron banging on about being the ‘alpha pup’ of the team. Instead, he will find himself alone and desolated, having depleted the companies stocks of all who are willing to withstand the nonsense people continue to drivel on about. Jargon; it’s just pathetic.

So here’s a message to all of you jargon-speaking people who remain at large. Stop with the meaningless phrases. Enough with the obscurities! Speak plain English, with words that can be comprehended without the use of a rapid Google search. Look deep inside your automaton selves and find, buried beneath the long lists of irritating phrases, that long since forgotten personality you used to have. Apologise for ignoring it, beg and plead until it forgives you for nearly crushing it with your soul-destroying terms, and then come back to work. Leave the ‘irritainment’ at the door. Maybe, just maybe, people might be able to understand you for once. Unless of course, you’re speaking Jargon because you don’t physically know the English language, in which case…well, you’re a whole new kettle of fish and should probably seek professional help. Until then, it looks like the disease of Jargon will continue to spread, like a modern technology-driven black plague. Until Will Smith saves us all from the mind-boggling language of jargon, the most we can do is stick together, keep our mouths shut, and laugh at those who feel pretentious enough to make idiots out of themselves through trying to speak the untameable language of Jargon. That’s not too much to ‘boil the ocean’, is it?

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