Do I or I do not ?

March 25, 2015 9:00 am

Marriage…ohh it makes me scared; one of best my friends is now married and the second one is engaged and the funniest part is I was engaged first. Yes, I was.

Thankfully, my ex-fiancée was smart (he ran away on time) so he understood my reasons and my wishes.

How does that makes me feel? Really happy, I was the first and I am not married.

I do not need a man who wants to marry me, I am young and maybe I am wrong,  but I just want crazy, passionate and honest love, respect and my personal space and for that I do not need to be married. If the love is real it will last, if we both are sure there is no worry.

As I said I was engaged, for some reason I said ‘”Yes”. Do I regret it? No, I do not. I was loved and I loved . I wanted to try and to find out if I could be someone’s wife (and if I could hide how much I was spoiled and how I love to control things). I was really curious (and I wanted so much to wear an Ellie Saab dress, can you blame me? ).  After some time I realized how it was too hard for me, I felt trapped and thought: “Now I am engaged, here comes the wedding after that kids and I am not ready for that.” I love fun, my work, my freedom, I love to be irresponsible, I love jokes (as you can notice) and pranks, I love my life just the way it is and I was nervous and upset so I decided to say how I felt. That was a smart decision (just say what you want and how you feel).

alliances

Finally I know what I need and marriage is not on my list, I can love the same – married or not.

Once my friend asked me “How you will have kids if you do not want to get married?” This is what I hate… If one day I decide to have a baby I do not need to be married, I just need the right person. Plus, when I was engaged the main questions were  “Are you pregnant” or “Are you trying”, my answer was “Do I look pregnant?” or “It’s none of your business!”.

And then we have reasons like: the settling factor, growing up, fear etc… Maybe the fear is the most important, because of ”what if he/she leaves me” (so what, you will survive), ”this is the best I can get” (and if you get something better, what then? You will leave your ”true love”). ”What if this is my last chance to be married?” ( well, take a risk)…  If I must live in fear then this is not the right person.

Every day we can read articles about marriage, relationships, what we need, what we want, how and where to find the right person, is he/she the right. We can find the lists and the signs about every single thing. I must say I read it too, sometimes it is funny, but no one else lives your life.

When I was 17 it was like this:

Boy: If you love me you will sleep with me.

8 years later it is like this:

Girl: If you love me you will marry me.

My goal is to write from my own experience and point of view, love is beautiful feeling and there are people who are happily married, with or without kids and I believe that for everything there is the right time.

But I would like to be late… as usual.

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